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Overall I think you have a powerful profile! You really do provide a image of what you are working towards achieving and how you are doing it. I specifically liked your answer to the problem question. You had a great way of addressing a negative topic but still putting a positive spin on it. You give merit to your work by how you chose to speak on the topic. You have a great diversity to your pictures, making this profile even stronger. The pictures have awesome effects! I do recommend you re-look at your impact question. Give some statistics, here is where you back up what you said in your problem question!

Also- You want to be a national organization, help readers imagine this taking place near them. How can you be inclusive to every environment? America is eclectic, does your initiative have the flexibility required?


Kaitlyn commented on Hip-Hop Music as the Soundtrack to Positive Change

Wonderful job with your videos and photos. I feel that, especially for you, it is critical to add those. You really add power to your words. I do recommend scrapping what you have for your founding story. Don't tell the readers to imagine, make them imagine. Tell a true story of a young girl singing her own version of a Maya Angelou poem. A group of young men perform an original song about rising from poverty. Parents and community leaders cheering and shedding tears. Tell readers your initiative has that power. Don't ask them to pretend you do.

Love the steps you added in. It does make your profile really strong. You do have one of the longer profiles. Reflect on making it a little shorter. Sometimes shorter profiles have more power because the reader is immersed, they do not skim. It seems conflicting to have less information, but I like to think of it as a revising of words. Have each word count for more. One powerful statement can have a stronger impact than a paragraph.

Last thought- I do enjoy the answer you provided for the problem question, however I feel that you need to be careful with this answer. Telling the problem can give your work a lot of merit. Especially since the arts is not always seen as important (Which is a problem! The arts is really important to a child's development.) Rethink how you can tell readers the problem, make the problem obvious and try to squeeze a positive in for every negative you put. The negatives being the problem, the positives being the work you do. Statistics are always powerful when used correctly!

Wonderful profile, it has a lot of strength. Your founding story may be your weakest part, my suggestion is to make it less facts about you and more about your organization. Paint a visual of what it is like to be a recipient of the organization. When I think about a founding story, I imagine a visual that tells me what you do. Not from your perspective, but from those who need you. Give merit to what you're doing. This question gives you the ability to set that foundation, the other questions can have the approach you are striving to take.

You answered the problem question in a great way. You set the stage to back up what you are doing. It answers the unspoken question of why this initiative matters. Which i feel is vital. Love the video! Consider adding pictures, it makes your words stronger as well.

Overall, I recommend focusing on creating a stronger profile by:

1) Relooking at your grammar, this is big. Even a few grammar mistakes can reflect a lack of interest. Show you care by being meticulous in word choices and sentence structure. Take that time, I know it will have a huge impact.
2) Try to be a storyteller, think like a reader. What are the thought processes they may go through well reading. Try to answer their unspoken questions.

Well done!